It’s anyone’s guess when and where a new cult will spring up; what with its bizarre rituals, legalistic rules, and silly superstitions. The latest manifestation of these sandbox religions is a new sect from the statists. New, because now they can be identified physically. 

These Branch Covidians, indeed, have never been happier. For years, they walked our halls, stalked our schools, and shopped our stores without any outward sign that they could display in honor of their god, the State. Yes, you have walked by them many times, and probably never noticed. But all that has changed. 

The days of their ambiguity are over. Now, they can finally hold their heads high as they parade down street and aisle with their fancy new useless masks. Yes, these masks are the ironic circumcision of the head; instead of a subtraction of foreskin, it is now an addition of cloth and yet are as effective as the former in their soteriological function, however spiritual or physical. But that, of course, is neither here nor there. 

In the previous months, I have, as well as many of you, have had the pleasure of communing with these Covidians and their funny religion. It’s such an interesting game, you know, learning all the cool new rules. For your benefit, I have listed some below, so that you too can operate with some amount of certainty of how these people will act and react:

Rule: COVID-19 can only be combatted by experts (read: my experts). 

Rule: COVID-19 cannot be understood by Google.

Rule: COVID-19 can only be talked about with authority by the new priesthood hierarchy of health experts. These include nurses, doctors, and anyone wearing scrubs.

Rule: COVID-19 can only be stopped by complete government control of your life.

Rule: Dr. Fauci is Lord and Savior.

Rule: Dr. Fauci is a learning, changing, unpredictable Lord and Savior.

Rule: Dr. Fauci will save us and Trump will doom us, simultaneously. 

There are many more, obviously, but they can’t be listed here, since new statutes continue to pop up every day. Stay tuned. 

See here also, I have listed some of the lingo for you as well: COVID-19 (bubonic plague), mask (cult membership), “where’s your mask?” (why don’t you worship the State like me?), “wait, I’ll give you a mask” (it’s ok, the State will forgive you), “are you sure you don’t want a mask?” (last chance before I wish COVID upon you),“why don’t you care about old people?” (I don’t care about anyone, especially old people), “together, apart” (I just love the State, don’t you?), “stay home, stay safe” (whatever you do, don’t sing in church), and finally, “new normal” (communist paradise).

As the “14 days to flatten the curve” turn into months, the Branch Covidians will inevitably become more aggressive in their newfound religion. However, their authoritarian style is stunted by their tactics and the simple fact that their re-education camps have been stalled and substantially drained. 

It’s an outlandish new sect, that’s for sure, but it always has been. But now, these Covidians are bolstered by the unveiling of their silly, imaginary corona-virus-blocking veils. Their confidence is palpable, but their new clothes are visible for any who “have eyes to see.” 


Luke Saint

The board’s youngest member, bringing with him a youthful zeal and valuable contributions. Raised in a homeschool environment by parents with a reconstructionist vision, he claims Christian Reconstruction as the mindset and mission of his faith. In addition to his day job as a UPS driver, he ministers in music at his church and currently hosts a podcast, Brotherhood of the Silver Screen, a critique commentary on the latest movies and cinema trends. Luke resides in Reading, PA.

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